My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You Might Also Like
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Oh. My. God.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.