*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
🤣
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I missed you with all my darts
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…