*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
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My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.