“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
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day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.