which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
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Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
You are what you delete.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
lmfao come on
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.