The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
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[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.