Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
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I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.