ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Me: “At last, sunny weather! Time to go outside and develop a healthy glow!”
Pollen: “I’m going to make you look like you’ve been pepper sprayed”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.