Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
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My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.