8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
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I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.