I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
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It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Buck naked
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.