*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
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“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Santa said I can’t have a pool boy ‘til I get a pool. Foiled again.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm