Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
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I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Something Saturday.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
this has done me in for some reason
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.