You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
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There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
Just this preview of the story is enough
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door