I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
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I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.