My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
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Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
where the womens at?
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.