Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
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me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?