Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
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I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Word!
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”