I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
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Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message