Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
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Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.