New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
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The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
i- i did not expect this
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
My life coach traded me.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work