Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
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4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
My support group can outdrink your support group.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong