That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
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“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets