People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
You Might Also Like
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Cats are still liquid.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single