When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
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The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.