I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
You Might Also Like
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Seems kinda suspicious
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
He-man has a Masters degree
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*