You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
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Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Quadruple digit IQ
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Check out the legs on this baby
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans