It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
You Might Also Like
As the Lord intended
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Art by Pastelkatto
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.