No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
You Might Also Like
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”