A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
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Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Meanwhile in Portland…
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
tinder is all about the long game
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it