My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori