Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
…żyje?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
If you had more money you’d be happier.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
rise and shine we got egg
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
*puts cutlery down*
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out