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Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
bears
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Safety first
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.