I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
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cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.