When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
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“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”