*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
You Might Also Like
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
my name if I was in the mob
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO