Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
You Might Also Like
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.