Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
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Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
A French press is when you hug naked
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
What in all holy hell is going on with this box of toilet paper I just got from Amazon
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water