In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
You Might Also Like
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat