Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
You Might Also Like
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
I’m sorry…what?
Happy Taco Tuesday
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.