“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
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Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
This is why I hate group projects
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy