[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.