If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
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My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
That’s easy for you to say
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.