Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.