I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Why am I like this?
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Attacked by a mop.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”