Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*