Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
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Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
just witnessed a drug deal
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.