[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple