(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.