[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.